i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
