I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
