I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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