my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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