I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
My vagina is very pro this idea
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
