I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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