I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
