we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize