Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
