I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
