she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Randomize
