So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
