i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
