Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
