I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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