So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
