Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
