Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
