Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
