I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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