I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
