the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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