I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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