you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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