i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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