Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
