yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
