am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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