The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
