at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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