my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
