Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
