I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
