had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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