Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
