Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
