i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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