I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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