meet me or not, i'm out of control
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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