It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
