i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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