Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Randomize
