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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
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