are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
please come you make the beer taste better
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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