I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Randomize
