he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
