Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize