just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You are a genius and a whore.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
