dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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