so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
