Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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