if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
She even gives head with a lisp.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize