I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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