I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
