Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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