walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
