cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
