you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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