I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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