I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
