How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
