I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
